Yet there was something in this dire day that I liked. I grew up with many ghosts haunting the walls of my family home. Untold stories, repressed memories and the cold wind of guilt coming from catholic values that acted like chains one never dared to question. That one day a year it felt the ghosts were out in the light not haunting me in the darkness of the night or the stifling, bitter cellar. The crippling rules and what they were hiding made me choke, gasping for air on behalf of the ones who came before.
On the 1st of November I could face my ghost in broad daylight, face the suffering, the pain, all carried in silence. There and then I could always see what we essentially are – human, fallible and driven by raw nature – beautiful and perfect in that.
Our biggest mistake is that we are trying to change who we essentially are. We are thriving towards an image of ourselves that is much like a priest mumbling prayers and rules in the remote, dark, covered places of our psyche. Mostly we do not know we have adopted those mindsets of not being ‘good enough’ just as we are, right now, in every moment. If we cannot embrace all our dark sides, our shortcomings and love ourselves for it, our attempts for change will always result in failure. Why? Don’t we have to ‘better’ ourselves, become MORE, the best version of ourselves that we can be?
This thriving is built on a model of shortcoming, I realised looking into my own judgemental eyes. A thinking that we are not perfect the way we are rotts away our confidence, our love, our lifeforce. I know because I have been indoctrinated with that from even before a time when I can even recall my thoughts – in the believe that we can reach a version that is finally ‘good enough’, worth loving. We are waiting for a day when we look in the mirror with admiration and love for the person who is gazing back at us. Until then we beat ourselves up, analyse situations, looking for solutions to this puzzle of what the best version of us might look like, what needs changing before that day of self-love can come. It’s a mission impossible. What we think we ought to be changes daily, changes by the minute, and we almost tear ourselves apart trying to fulfil all the points of that tick-list towards lovable perfection, that we and our histories created.
The ghosts, the patterns, the beliefs are only brought to light in moments when we are pushed too far. In those moments of ugliness and pain when we struggle cause we have not got any ounce of energy left to sustain this illusion. In those moments we do we grasp the paradox of searching for a better self. The ties and knots that hold us in place to function every day paralyse us in being truthfully us. Standing on the graveyard every 1st of November for me was a chance to sense all of those muddles and entanglements, burdens and wanting people carried with them to the grave, because they wanted for themselves a better life than the ones who they were faced with. I sympathise with them for I did the same for a long while.
Then for once I dared to live my truth, my inner self, the one that is flawed, and look down at my ancestors in the grave and I said – you were perfect the way you were; you did the best you could given the rotten circumstances; I am grateful you soldiered on in the worst of moments; and I don’t care you made mistakes, because I love. Becoming who we truly are is only possible once we love everything about ourselves. Once we accept that where we came from is perfect and hold ourselves for having carried on through all winds and weathers we might actually stand a chance to be happy, love and embrace life.
‘I have sent you my invitation,
The note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.
Don’t jump up and shout, “Yes, this is what I want! Let’s do it!”
Just stand up quietly and dance with me!.
(The Dance - Oriah Mountain Dreamer)
It is in the quiet moments we sense what is truly us, our essence, we hear the invitation to the life we are born to live. Once you hear it you simply stand up and dance.
With love and adoration for all the strong women in my line – thank you for the gift of life! I promise to be me, pushing forwards, deeper into my essence, facing hurt and pain alongside song, dance and laughter. A song to the ones I love:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7Tkj9o-uQo
With all my love,
Yours
