Yet living this way results in continuous, "hard" work - ongoing work on myself because everything relates, matters, is a teaching. This level of awareness is taxing as it feels impossible to be put into words... hence, I try to live as an exmaple. However, when facing people who are buying into a limiting reality, when dealing with systems that stifle and break people to fit toxic moulds, I am struggling to keep going. I see it's nonesense. I feel it is wrong and hurtful to our essence. Yes, to replenish I revisit this place of unity but it becomes the hardest task the longer I swim in this swamp of competition, targets, force growing and depletion.
Moreover, the responsibility of looking inwardly when facing a reality I don't believe in anymore feels at time draining because it demands of me to resolve my remaining issues, release myself from this sticky bondage we socially constructed. A person recently told me to "stop being so reflective"; if I did I would turn towards dodgy TV, meaningless activities and distractions to work even harder on ignoring the truth - an alternative I have left this day last year.
It takes calm, quiet, emptiness and peace to allow for reflection and insights to be revealed. Holding such a space of serenity whilst also finding ways of relating to others is a balancing act. I am having the hardest time to be on the tightropes and keep going. The developments of this year have stretched me so far that I don't feel like the same me anymore, but as an extended me. Without the experience of being one that I had, the revelation I felt with my all, I could not still continue on staying in this madness.
I hold trust.
Madness, some might think now to do what I am doing. Foolish to do this if it is soooo hard. Stop it. Shouldn't "living int he heart" enable things to be dany and easy?
We came to a point where our fear of the difficult parts of living paralyse our growth.
We hide in our cosiness that cotton-wraps us from any bumps real life might causes.
We stifle growth, real learning and transformation this way.
Quirky, is what people like to see... something that is different but still within the scope of their "normality". Mad is what people label things that they cannot comprehend. So they try to fix it, bend it, mend it, normalise it to not stir up their perception of reality.
I do not want to make it out to be easy and dandy to be oneself, to risk beeing seen as mad whilst pushing the boundaries. It is not. I am having the hardest time of my life. I have never been so worn out in my life.
But isn't every birth a messy, painful process as it is stretching the flesh toward it's limits, tearing skin and pushing the boundaries? In the moment when we feel we cannot go on anymore, cannot take any more, when new life has pushed the old to the limits then it is time for that magical moment: birth.
With that trust I am enduring this time, as I know the result will be beautiful.
With blood, sweat and the occasional tear
Sarah,
an Urban Yogi.
