I would not call myself an active feminist, because I still prefer the feel of silky, shaven skin (maybe only because I have learnt to do so, but nonetheless I do). Beyond these superficial expressions of femininity though I believe in equality of gender; not because we ought to be the same or living the same way, but because we are invaluable to one another in our differences, bringing what the other does not have, or only has to a limited extent.
Resisting of going into a dull reiteration of how the domination of the male over the female for many thousand years has shaped our view of the feminine and put us 'second place' (as it's obvious and we all know), I nonetheless recognise that we have become - that I have been - afraid of our emotions, our animus, our sensuality, our immense wisdom and power. For being great, truly great, extraordinary so to speak can be a lonely place. Women have learnt to hate other women, envy other women in their wonderful brilliance. If only we could acknowledge our gifts and cherish each other for them… instead we fight, compete over all kind of trivial things such as jobs, status and (not so trivial) men.
Being amongst women showed me that power that lies in a togetherness. In this realm of the intuitive we gather our power; and I was stunned at just how uncompromising this place is. Once I began to listen to my gut, the nitty gritty inside in a circle of women I sensed the truth. The truth buried beneath layers upon layers of 'rules' and 'norms' illuminated my life as centred around a need to help the world with my all, to a point of exhaustion. At this point I could not take the 'bullshit' anymore.
What bullshit?
All of it.
It took me a while to sense into what exactly it is that pissed me off, confused me and threw me off balance in the week since this workshop. What threw me is the delayed unfolding of this realisation. The folly is that I have been working on myself for about 10 years to be content, happy with myself - yet I would put this happiness in jeopardy to help others to reach their potential. Women have linked their own value for too long in their endurance of putting up with bullshit… any kind, whilst keeping a smile and making others feel as comfortable as possible, forgetting about our own needs; maybe even being too 'humble' (stupid!) to receive enough in return.
First, I unveiled my own idiocy of believing that I could help anybody learn how to walk, talk, do or become by being there, supportive, loving and accepting nothing in return… Too many women in teaching? Care jobs are women's domains! etc… We (certainly I did) still believe in self-sacrifice for the greater good and get patted on the shoulder for how 'strong' we are.
I actually learnt fairly recently not to do that anymore; it does neither really empower nor help the other. More importantly I learnt to be open to reap my harvest, indulge in it and hand over to the divine when my work is complete. I can let go of things now when my part is done to the point that I could do it. I begin to look out for myself, take care of myself.
Generally, as emphatic woman, I would also look at people I adore and see straight into their darkest places, see their souls and love them wholeheartedly. What I did not know is that in this I was putting myself second, because I somewhat picked up this 'natural order' - second behind pretty much anyone (friends, partners, colleagues). It is a risky business as it throws one off balance and leads one to exhaust their own resources in favour of the other. At this point resentment and anger are born.
Looking at this beautiful woman, sitting in our circle bare to the bone, in all her glory, I saw that this time is over.
No more bullshit and foul compromises that don't balance out. By all means grow your body hair if you wish to say "No more bullshit!". However, I decided to live the life I desire, in the frequency that flows smoothly. All that is on that frequency I embrace, love, cherish and enjoy being enough just as I am to receive the same in return. I am now harvesting the crops of my labour at the right time and following the natural rhythms… I'll keep you in the loop on how I am faring.
Yours!
