Crash-Landing

Jumping, taking that leap of faith took a lot of courage and blind trust as I did not know what the landing would feel like. As one can imagine - it HURT. Not only did it pain myself but close ones around me. I have been mulling over why we are so scared of pain in previous entries. As a society, as indiviuals too, we are very scared of painful experiences, so afraid in fact, that we chose slow, uncomfortable misery over a potential (necessary?) crash-landing.

I certainly did that for a long time. I put on a brave face, played my part as defined by me in accordance to societal norms. I fooled myself by ignoring that inner voice, pushing it to one side and simply marching on with a brave fasade, numbing each flickering of that tiny flame of truth in the gut with TV, food, drink, ... any form of distraction. But inside I was upset, grumpy, liveless, grey, numb.

Every now and then I'd blow up when life became to unbearable, make a scene to release the pressure - I'd go "crazy" for long enough to take another breath, then re-apply the make-up and return to acting my part. The one thing that comes with surrendering one self to serving one's higher purpose is that such behaviours cannot be sustained. Even though I held on to the status quo for as long as I possibly could, life dealt me cards, showed me an exit route of this faded, dull, horrid game and I jumped at this opportunity.

What hurts is not to let go of the old but to face the inconvenient truth that in spite of believing in my autonomy I was in fact adhering to everything society (WE) believe we ought to do, ought to have, ought to live, ignoring the wisdom within, pushing down the truth with yet another bar of chocolate. All simply to be a "good girl" afraid that my powerful, real me would come out and destroy the carefully crafted web of deceit, leaving me naked and bare to the elements of a, let's be honest, often tough life. So I toughened up in the past and marched like a little (unhappy) soldier in the machinery of the everyday functioning.

By beginning to listen to that inner voice, our guidance, the piece of the divine every one of us carries within, one enteres another plain. It is a blessing to face the truth and follow the path of the heart. No, it is not without pain and one has to accept a lot of uncertainty, connecting in trust with one's voice. In this place I feel tested by the minute to let go of expectations, accept that not knowing and let myself be washed away by those waves of  the new... the new feminine energy, the new earth, the new ways, new patterns, new ways of seeing and living life!

"Shhhh! She is traveling between worlds right now. You can see her holding the tension of not knowing ~ she is simply breathing into her unanswered questions. Sometimes she drinks her coffee with quaking hands, not knowing where her relationship or her bank account is going. But this time, she is holding onto the tension of not knowing, and is not willing to hit the panic button. She is unlearning thousands of years of conditioning. She is not being split between the opposing forces of fight and flight. She is neither naïve nor ignorant. She is a frontier woman, paving new roads & making new choices. She is willing to make a new transcendent possibility emerge. You may see her now ~ standing at thresholds, or at crossroads ~ breathing into her body ~ intently listening for inner signals. She's learning new navigation skills as she arrives at a most magical moment of her life."

~ Sukhvinder Sircar

 

I am not resentful for having lived my life the way I have since I decided to be a "good girl" and fit in. Believe me or not, I still remember that moment, when I was entering primary school, sitting on the stairs outside my family's flat and making a pact with my inner self to shut up as people would not be able to accept the truth, be able to accept the full, uncencored version of myself...

 

Life has offered me rich experiences so far, leading me to the point where I am at today - ready to break free, re-write the rules and stop trying to be a "good girl" or fix myself. Instead, today I embrace myself, embrace the unknown and find joy in starting a journey of re-discovery.

 

The veil of the illusion is lifting all over the world. It is time to face the truth, even if it means a crash-landing. I recommend a jump! Then get up and dust yourself off, get up and work through the pain.

 

Life is too precious to be wasted playing silly games!

 

Dusty, sore but happy,

Your Urban Yogi