project m.e.

project m.e.

Walking into a dark room, the first thing one would do is look for the light switch and turn it on, right? Why then do we walk day by day in darkness, without awareness, often merely functioning, fulfilling A role?

Deciding to put on the light can reveal a lot of dust, cobwebs and even the odd ghost sitting forgotten in a corner, feeling ignored and grumpy. Yes, it can even be scary to turn on the light because what if we do not like what we see?

However, as we all know, once the light shines on things they don’t look as bad as during the dark hours. As I raise my awareness, work on myself, switch on the light so to speak, I am learning a lot about my dark places. On my side I have great, unbelievable inspirational people that help the process. In this instance I am referring to my counsellor who is on my side while I find my way through this maze. She is great because she lets me do the hard work! I see myself very lucky to have met this amazing person exactly at the right time that is absolutely on my wavelength.

One major discovery in my session was that I am a typical ‘Rescuer’ believing – with a load of arrogance in tow – that I can help others, be the Good Samaritan, and thus change the world for the better. It’s an evolution of the ‘good girl’ role!

In this particular role it is important to focus as much as one possibly can on others, not one self, as that is ‘selfish’ and would interfere with the concept of giving one’s all, pour oneself into the wellbeing of everyone but one self. Funnily this leads to frustration as the ‘Rescuer’ doesn’t tend to receive much (it would be arbitrary as it weakens him as a rescuer). So this person moves into the position of ‘Victim’ and eventually turns into a ‘Persecutor’... it’s called the “Victim Triangle” I found out. And most of us are in some shape or form entangled in subconscious game playing like this.

How do we get out of this trap you might ask? First, accept that you cannot, even with all the love in the world, do the deeds of others or open their eyes for them, or carry their load. All one will achieve is that the other person feels smaller, undermined and it is all about feeding one’s own ego. Hence, I decided to embark on ‘project m.e.’ because I decided that the only possible solution can be to trust in others to be able to find their own path as I do with mine.

This left me with a light feeling but I could not imagine what I would do with all that energy and time freed up not spent on trying to help others. So I now have got time to attend my own needs, fears, desires, wishes, dreams and begin to listen to my gut! This radar, we all have inbuilt – in fact all of our body tells us constantly when something is off (headaches, tension, pain, etc) – can guide us along the way and help avoid falling back into those familiar, comfortable roles.

It is really tremendous that I tend to stumble across articles that match the themes I am dealing with (KT Tunstall in an interview said she only recently learnt to use her gut she uses constantly as an artist to lead her decisions in all aspects of her life) or receive a phone call going with my learning (my dad called up to say he decided he’s done all he could for his children and that we are now grown up and can look after ourselves – how true and how grateful I felt for that info as it set me free from the role of ‘good girl’ for my daddy!).

As I am sitting here on my own, with my own thoughts, focused on myself I realise just how long I have not consciously spent time focused on me, in spite of meditation and writing this blog. I tried to fix something, get a message out, focus outwardly, not on my inner voice and just be. So it’s my newfound hobby to learn to listen more, and carefully to myself and make time to enable for those moments to happen. No distractions!

What does one might gain from this? Freedom. You reclaim the freedom to be true to yourself. You can create your own rules, be your own guide and walk your honest path. With that demeanour one can begin a real exchange with others – a give and take, seeing eye to eye, and begin to stand tall in love. For me it feels like the only sustainable way of being with each other, empowering not only oneself but the other person too, seeing them and oneself with kind, embracing eyes.

From this vantage point we can also create the life they truly want, feel deep down inside we deserve. We are all creators, artists, out of the box kind of people in those deepest of places. We were simply not given enough options to live that side as in this society we suppress those instincts in favour of a false uniformity and a false security. This stifling way of life appears safe, sound and controllable.

Yet what it really does is to mute our essence, the child-like spirit in us that wants to play, have fun, laugh and create.  Through history the ones who broke the mould did not adhere. The ones leading the path into new worlds and new ages were seen as crazies... I sincerely wish to do my part by focusing on myself as a creator, artist, Urban Yogi to live by example, live the change I’d love to see.

Will I fail and fall back into old patterns? Hell yeah! I am human. Otherwise I’d already be sitting in a circle with the ascended masters loving everything and everyone all the time. I’d already be in my purest form, which is light, and I’d be shining brightly. But when I fall flat on my face once more I will get up again and try once more.

Until I get to the point of ascension I dedicate my time through ‘project m.e.’ to bringing light into my very own dark chambers and begin to tidy them up.

Urban Yogi