impatience of the heart

Sitting down to write a blog entry a book title of a novel I have been trying to read caught my eye: "Ungeduld des Herzens" by Stefan Zweig translates into "impatience of the heart". In this moment I recognised a common thread running through today. On several occasions I saw the longing in people's hearts for something. This longing was often linked to external factors - living abroad, a new home, a fresh love; all of those things promising something.

Is it the promise of becoming closer to who we truly are, to find a peace we sense is inside us?

Back home a friend wished me that 2014 will unfold smoothly for me - be "easy". Yet today I sincerely told another friend that with all it's challenges, shadows, dry spells and frustration  I am not wishing a "better" year than 2013. It was a tough year, no doubt, but it was needed. My internal struggles and changes manifested in the outside and it was messy. Now, at the beginning of 2014 I am open to what comes... not actually having a plan other than a picture in my heart, a sense of what my truth is/"looks like" is okay.

Don't get me worng, there are a few things in the configuartion of my external life that made me wonder what internal wiring might be hooked up incorrectly. For instance I pushed myself to my physical limits, in spite of the awareness of that danger I got sucked into a hectic, unhealthy system. The faulty wiring I identfied as me wanting to meet the external success criteria (good girl program!)above my own validation. In addition my "ENOUGH" button is not working well - it needs a lot of pushing before the light goes on (Tyroleans are tough program!).

In these slow winter days - dark, rainy and stromy - I was able to retreive my balance. With it came the recognition that all I am impatient for is to live my life according to my values, at a pace healthy for me and in tune with what matters... it's certainly not about targets or evaluations. It is also not about the external factors per se, although a calmer environment to London feels in line with a balanced life. More than all of that the impatience in my heart can be stilled simply by being with myself, by being me and allowing the time for life to unfold.

In my dialect we have got a saying that translates as "I don't feel myself anymore" (I g'spiar mi nimme)... once I am out of touch with my body, my senses, my self, then I am in a bad place as I lost peace and confidence in life. Without this sensation I grow impatient, sensing something is missing.

That is the moment to claim one's time and listen to what the heart has to say, what it desires beyond the external comfort we long for too.

Writing those lines I feel that this could be THE learning of 2014 for me.

With that in mind I shall boil the kettle and drink some tea!

Yours,