the hardest time...

Never have I been pushed to my limits the way I have been in 2013... to my limits and beyond. On so many levels has my perception of reality been challenged since this day last year when I touched upon the essence of us all. It's what sparked not only this (more infrequent than intended) blog but major changes in my life. Nothing is like it has been in December 2012; not the way I look at myself, not the way I see the world, not the way I live; all is fuller, richer, deeper, wider, denser, liberated, more connected, real and alive than I ever recall it being.

Yet living this way results in continuous, "hard" work - ongoing work on myself because everything relates, matters, is a teaching. This level of awareness is taxing as it feels impossible to be put into words... hence, I try to live as an exmaple. However, when facing people who are buying into a limiting reality, when dealing with systems that stifle and break people to fit toxic moulds, I am struggling to keep going. I see it's nonesense. I feel it is wrong and hurtful to our essence. Yes, to replenish I revisit this place of unity but it becomes the hardest task the longer I swim in this swamp of competition, targets, force growing and depletion.

Moreover, the responsibility of looking inwardly when facing a reality I don't believe in anymore feels at time draining because it demands of me to resolve my remaining issues, release myself from this sticky bondage we socially constructed. A person recently told me to "stop being so reflective"; if I did I would turn towards dodgy TV, meaningless activities and distractions to work even harder on ignoring the truth - an alternative I have left this day last year.

It takes calm, quiet, emptiness and peace to allow for reflection and insights to be revealed. Holding such a space of serenity whilst also finding ways of relating to others is a balancing act. I am having the hardest time to be on the tightropes and keep going. The developments of this year have stretched me so far that I don't feel like the same me anymore, but as an extended me. Without the experience of being one that I had, the revelation I felt with my all, I could not still continue on staying in this madness.

I hold trust.

Madness, some might think now to do what I am doing. Foolish to do this if it is soooo hard. Stop it. Shouldn't "living int he heart" enable things to be dany and easy?

We came to a point where our fear of the difficult parts of living paralyse our growth.
We hide in our cosiness that cotton-wraps us from any bumps real life might causes.
We stifle growth, real learning and transformation this way.

Quirky, is what people like to see... something that is different but still within the scope of their "normality". Mad is what people label things that they cannot comprehend. So they try to fix it, bend it, mend it, normalise it to not stir up their perception of reality.

I do not want to make it out to be easy and dandy to be oneself, to risk beeing seen as mad whilst pushing the boundaries. It is not. I am having the hardest time of my life. I have never been so worn out in my life.

But isn't every birth a messy, painful process as it is stretching the flesh toward it's limits, tearing skin and pushing the boundaries? In the moment when we feel we cannot go on anymore, cannot take any more, when new life has pushed the old to the limits then it is time for that magical moment: birth.

With that trust I am enduring this time, as I know the result will be beautiful.

With blood, sweat and the occasional tear
Sarah,

an Urban Yogi.

Facing One's Ghosts.

Every year on the 1st of November I stood next to my family on the graveyard looking down on the names engraved in stone, remembering the ones who came before us while the mumbling prayers of the priest were filling the background, this vast space of death, this friable scene.
 
Yet there was something in this dire day that I liked. I grew up with many ghosts haunting the walls of my family home. Untold stories, repressed memories and the cold wind of guilt coming from catholic values that acted like chains one never dared to question. That one day a year it felt the ghosts were out in the light not haunting me in the darkness of the night or the stifling, bitter cellar. The crippling rules and what they were hiding made me choke, gasping for air on behalf of the ones who came before.
 
On the 1st of November I could face my ghost in broad daylight, face the suffering, the pain, all carried in silence. There and then I could always see what we essentially are – human, fallible and driven by raw nature – beautiful and perfect in that.
 
Our biggest mistake is that we are trying to change who we essentially are. We are thriving towards an image of ourselves that is much like a priest mumbling prayers and rules in the remote, dark, covered places of our psyche. Mostly we do not know we have adopted those mindsets of not being ‘good enough’ just as we are, right now, in every moment. If we cannot embrace all our dark sides, our shortcomings and love ourselves for it, our attempts for change will always result in failure. Why? Don’t we have to ‘better’ ourselves, become MORE, the best version of ourselves that we can be?
 
This thriving is built on a model of shortcoming, I realised looking into my own judgemental eyes. A thinking that we are not perfect the way we are rotts away our confidence, our love, our lifeforce. I know because I have been indoctrinated with that from even before a time when I can even recall my thoughts – in the believe that we can reach a version that is finally ‘good enough’, worth loving. We are waiting for a day when we look in the mirror with admiration and love for the person who is gazing back at us. Until then we beat ourselves up, analyse situations, looking for solutions to this puzzle of what the best version of us might look like, what needs changing before that day of self-love can come. It’s a mission impossible. What we think we ought to be changes daily, changes by the minute, and we almost tear ourselves apart trying to fulfil all the points of that tick-list towards lovable perfection, that we and our histories created.
 
The ghosts, the patterns, the beliefs are only brought to light in moments when we are pushed too far. In those moments of ugliness and pain when we struggle cause we have not got any ounce of energy left to sustain this illusion. In those moments we do we grasp the paradox of searching for a better self. The ties and knots that hold us in place to function every day paralyse us in being truthfully us. Standing on the graveyard every 1^st of November for me was a chance to sense all of those muddles and entanglements, burdens and wanting people carried with them to the grave, because they wanted for themselves a better life than the ones who they were faced with. I sympathise with them for I did the same for a long while.
 
Then for once I dared to live my truth, my inner self, the one that is flawed, and look down at my ancestors in the grave and I said – you were perfect the way you were; you did the best you could given the rotten circumstances; I am grateful you soldiered on in the worst of moments; and I don’t care you made mistakes, because I love. Becoming who we truly are is only possible once we love everything about ourselves. Once we accept that where we came from is perfect and hold ourselves for having carried on through all winds and weathers we might actually stand a chance to be happy, love and embrace life.

‘I have sent you my invitation,
The note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.
Don’t jump up and shout, “Yes, this is what I want! Let’s do it!”
Just stand up quietly and dance with me!.
(The Dance - Oriah Mountain Dreamer)
 
It is in the quiet moments we sense what is truly us, our essence, we hear the invitation to the life we are born to live. Once you hear it you simply stand up and dance.
 
With love and adoration for all the strong women in my line – thank you for the gift of life! I promise to be me, pushing forwards, deeper into my essence, facing hurt and pain alongside song, dance and laughter. A song to the ones I love:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7Tkj9o-uQo

With all my love,
Yours
 
 

Sehnsucht nach Mehr - Yearning for More

In German the "Mehr" (More) sounds the same as "Meer" (Sea)... I have the urge to submerge myself into the sea, yearn for immersion into the deep dark waters to escape the demands of the everyday; I also want more from life, sense there is something missing. Thus this title in German as it just encompasses both.

Yesterday, while sitting amongst a circle of women, we were sharing age-old cellular wisdom that is beautiful but more than that felt so natural to us women (if that caught your attention I highly recommend Jewels Wingfield's workshops!). Once we connect with our whombs - yes, there is wisdom in this alien place! - we have a direct link to nature, everything natural and our mother, earth. Experiencing it felt unblievably good. Reconnected with sex, the cyclical, sisterhood, nature and simple wisdom, I opened up to my own inner voice. At one point I recognised that what drives me in life is not something that is tangible or clear. I am driven by my intuition, the feeling that there is something more, something else in me that wants to be explored and I give myself in to that.

There is no linear path, clear route I feel I can take through life. Instead I am driven by my senses. Rationally, choices stemming from this place might not apprear to make sense. Instead of looking for an explanation I immerse myself into the chaos of the deep waters, waters we know so well from our time in the whomb, to see where the current is taking me, what shore I might be washed up on. Once I am there it will slowly begin to make sense - the brain is usually the last to catch up! If we can find a connection again with this chaos, darkness, emotions and the wild, we women can reclaim our true power - to me that is the connection with the ultimate truth of nature, for it's gift is trust.

In spite of all the chaos and mess in my life, that used to make me question my sanity, I now trust the process, I trust life. It might not appear natural as we are used to straight lines, clear goals and tangible targets, but that is not how life operates. The challenge is to find love for oneself because it will help to trust one's inner guidance, trust that it is okay the way it is, messy or not.

I would have plenty more to say, about the need for women to connect, stop competing and start sharing as well as the important role of men in all of this. Instead I leave it at this today as I fancy some yoga and a hot bath whilst enjoying the rain knocking on the bathroom window.

So here a wonderful poem that captures the essence of women wonderfully and with those words I would like to say "Thank You" to all the beautiful women in my life!

Dear Woman ~

Woman,
You belong to the night.
You have blood on your thighs
and fuhrze in your hair.
You smell of loamy fertile soil.
Your breasts give life,
Your sex is a mystery school
leading to the holy of holies.

Turn your eyes inward,
use owls vision to see where you come from.
Slip beneath the surface,
and feel yourself become full.

Make a marriage to the moon.

Divorce the false gods of intellect and reason.
Find meaning in your dreams
and in the secrets of your body.

Follow no authority -
but your own true nature.

Make a sacred fire
and throw on it all that you would use to harm yourself.
Make kindling from shame.

Let your dance be wild,
your voice be honest
and your heart untame.

Be cyclical,
don't make sense..

Initiate yourself
Initiate yourself

By Aisha Wolfe

 

beauty of women

When I walk the streets, looking around me I see plenty of beautiful, stunning women. Very rarely do I see women coming together without their masks - pure, sensual, loud, dancing, laughing, crying, being emotional and supportive of each other.

At the workshop run by Jewels Wingfield http://www.jewelswingfield.com/ I had the joy of experiencing such a gathering. An attic in the heart of London was filled with female divinity, bringing to life what this new energy is about - a coming together, laying down of masks and forgetting about competition. I cannot even begin to explain with words what emotions the encounters with other beauties evoked and I don't want to make sense of it - it merely felt awesome. It was refreshing to not trying to understand, to let the mind rest and surrender to the sensations my body was flooded with.

First, women, let go of competition - it is a concept that stops us from embracing each other for we are all beautiful in our essence. We are nature, we carry the secrets to life. Jewels put it poignantly when she said that as society we have to recognised that we cannot take too much of the earth, that we must look after her. Let's do the same for each other, for ourselves, for women who are trying to be everything at once! There and then I recognised the importance and urgency for us women to help one another through the pains we carried, the traumas and the impossibilities we have faced in trying to be like men and remain women at the same time (not that men have got it much easier trying to be real men in this day and age!).

We all carry male and female but in this life I embody one: the feminine. I love to be supported by men and we should love them, but only once we come to love ourselves for what we are: women.

Hurt women, Sexual women, Emotional Women, Wild Women, Beautiful Women, Strong Women. And in this we came together on Saturday, seeing each other purely. It is an extremely powerful, vulnerable way of being that holds such greatness that we are now beginning to explore in these new times.

Meeting those sisters made me believe in the new times ahead as I looked the change in the eyes, danced with it, encouraged it in joint expressions of joy and pain. Wonderful. A beautiful future is ahead.

Thank you Jewels for this experience!
Much love,
From me to you.

project m.e.

project m.e.

Walking into a dark room, the first thing one would do is look for the light switch and turn it on, right? Why then do we walk day by day in darkness, without awareness, often merely functioning, fulfilling A role?

Deciding to put on the light can reveal a lot of dust, cobwebs and even the odd ghost sitting forgotten in a corner, feeling ignored and grumpy. Yes, it can even be scary to turn on the light because what if we do not like what we see?

However, as we all know, once the light shines on things they don’t look as bad as during the dark hours. As I raise my awareness, work on myself, switch on the light so to speak, I am learning a lot about my dark places. On my side I have great, unbelievable inspirational people that help the process. In this instance I am referring to my counsellor who is on my side while I find my way through this maze. She is great because she lets me do the hard work! I see myself very lucky to have met this amazing person exactly at the right time that is absolutely on my wavelength.

One major discovery in my session was that I am a typical ‘Rescuer’ believing – with a load of arrogance in tow – that I can help others, be the Good Samaritan, and thus change the world for the better. It’s an evolution of the ‘good girl’ role!

In this particular role it is important to focus as much as one possibly can on others, not one self, as that is ‘selfish’ and would interfere with the concept of giving one’s all, pour oneself into the wellbeing of everyone but one self. Funnily this leads to frustration as the ‘Rescuer’ doesn’t tend to receive much (it would be arbitrary as it weakens him as a rescuer). So this person moves into the position of ‘Victim’ and eventually turns into a ‘Persecutor’... it’s called the “Victim Triangle” I found out. And most of us are in some shape or form entangled in subconscious game playing like this.

How do we get out of this trap you might ask? First, accept that you cannot, even with all the love in the world, do the deeds of others or open their eyes for them, or carry their load. All one will achieve is that the other person feels smaller, undermined and it is all about feeding one’s own ego. Hence, I decided to embark on ‘project m.e.’ because I decided that the only possible solution can be to trust in others to be able to find their own path as I do with mine.

This left me with a light feeling but I could not imagine what I would do with all that energy and time freed up not spent on trying to help others. So I now have got time to attend my own needs, fears, desires, wishes, dreams and begin to listen to my gut! This radar, we all have inbuilt – in fact all of our body tells us constantly when something is off (headaches, tension, pain, etc) – can guide us along the way and help avoid falling back into those familiar, comfortable roles.

It is really tremendous that I tend to stumble across articles that match the themes I am dealing with (KT Tunstall in an interview said she only recently learnt to use her gut she uses constantly as an artist to lead her decisions in all aspects of her life) or receive a phone call going with my learning (my dad called up to say he decided he’s done all he could for his children and that we are now grown up and can look after ourselves – how true and how grateful I felt for that info as it set me free from the role of ‘good girl’ for my daddy!).

As I am sitting here on my own, with my own thoughts, focused on myself I realise just how long I have not consciously spent time focused on me, in spite of meditation and writing this blog. I tried to fix something, get a message out, focus outwardly, not on my inner voice and just be. So it’s my newfound hobby to learn to listen more, and carefully to myself and make time to enable for those moments to happen. No distractions!

What does one might gain from this? Freedom. You reclaim the freedom to be true to yourself. You can create your own rules, be your own guide and walk your honest path. With that demeanour one can begin a real exchange with others – a give and take, seeing eye to eye, and begin to stand tall in love. For me it feels like the only sustainable way of being with each other, empowering not only oneself but the other person too, seeing them and oneself with kind, embracing eyes.

From this vantage point we can also create the life they truly want, feel deep down inside we deserve. We are all creators, artists, out of the box kind of people in those deepest of places. We were simply not given enough options to live that side as in this society we suppress those instincts in favour of a false uniformity and a false security. This stifling way of life appears safe, sound and controllable.

Yet what it really does is to mute our essence, the child-like spirit in us that wants to play, have fun, laugh and create.  Through history the ones who broke the mould did not adhere. The ones leading the path into new worlds and new ages were seen as crazies... I sincerely wish to do my part by focusing on myself as a creator, artist, Urban Yogi to live by example, live the change I’d love to see.

Will I fail and fall back into old patterns? Hell yeah! I am human. Otherwise I’d already be sitting in a circle with the ascended masters loving everything and everyone all the time. I’d already be in my purest form, which is light, and I’d be shining brightly. But when I fall flat on my face once more I will get up again and try once more.

Until I get to the point of ascension I dedicate my time through ‘project m.e.’ to bringing light into my very own dark chambers and begin to tidy them up.

Urban Yogi

  

Crash-Landing

Jumping, taking that leap of faith took a lot of courage and blind trust as I did not know what the landing would feel like. As one can imagine - it HURT. Not only did it pain myself but close ones around me. I have been mulling over why we are so scared of pain in previous entries. As a society, as indiviuals too, we are very scared of painful experiences, so afraid in fact, that we chose slow, uncomfortable misery over a potential (necessary?) crash-landing.

I certainly did that for a long time. I put on a brave face, played my part as defined by me in accordance to societal norms. I fooled myself by ignoring that inner voice, pushing it to one side and simply marching on with a brave fasade, numbing each flickering of that tiny flame of truth in the gut with TV, food, drink, ... any form of distraction. But inside I was upset, grumpy, liveless, grey, numb.

Every now and then I'd blow up when life became to unbearable, make a scene to release the pressure - I'd go "crazy" for long enough to take another breath, then re-apply the make-up and return to acting my part. The one thing that comes with surrendering one self to serving one's higher purpose is that such behaviours cannot be sustained. Even though I held on to the status quo for as long as I possibly could, life dealt me cards, showed me an exit route of this faded, dull, horrid game and I jumped at this opportunity.

What hurts is not to let go of the old but to face the inconvenient truth that in spite of believing in my autonomy I was in fact adhering to everything society (WE) believe we ought to do, ought to have, ought to live, ignoring the wisdom within, pushing down the truth with yet another bar of chocolate. All simply to be a "good girl" afraid that my powerful, real me would come out and destroy the carefully crafted web of deceit, leaving me naked and bare to the elements of a, let's be honest, often tough life. So I toughened up in the past and marched like a little (unhappy) soldier in the machinery of the everyday functioning.

By beginning to listen to that inner voice, our guidance, the piece of the divine every one of us carries within, one enteres another plain. It is a blessing to face the truth and follow the path of the heart. No, it is not without pain and one has to accept a lot of uncertainty, connecting in trust with one's voice. In this place I feel tested by the minute to let go of expectations, accept that not knowing and let myself be washed away by those waves of  the new... the new feminine energy, the new earth, the new ways, new patterns, new ways of seeing and living life!

"Shhhh! She is traveling between worlds right now. You can see her holding the tension of not knowing ~ she is simply breathing into her unanswered questions. Sometimes she drinks her coffee with quaking hands, not knowing where her relationship or her bank account is going. But this time, she is holding onto the tension of not knowing, and is not willing to hit the panic button. She is unlearning thousands of years of conditioning. She is not being split between the opposing forces of fight and flight. She is neither naïve nor ignorant. She is a frontier woman, paving new roads & making new choices. She is willing to make a new transcendent possibility emerge. You may see her now ~ standing at thresholds, or at crossroads ~ breathing into her body ~ intently listening for inner signals. She's learning new navigation skills as she arrives at a most magical moment of her life."

~ Sukhvinder Sircar

 

I am not resentful for having lived my life the way I have since I decided to be a "good girl" and fit in. Believe me or not, I still remember that moment, when I was entering primary school, sitting on the stairs outside my family's flat and making a pact with my inner self to shut up as people would not be able to accept the truth, be able to accept the full, uncencored version of myself...

 

Life has offered me rich experiences so far, leading me to the point where I am at today - ready to break free, re-write the rules and stop trying to be a "good girl" or fix myself. Instead, today I embrace myself, embrace the unknown and find joy in starting a journey of re-discovery.

 

The veil of the illusion is lifting all over the world. It is time to face the truth, even if it means a crash-landing. I recommend a jump! Then get up and dust yourself off, get up and work through the pain.

 

Life is too precious to be wasted playing silly games!

 

Dusty, sore but happy,

Your Urban Yogi

 

 

 

 

Jump that cliff; take a leap of faith!

When I was a teen we used to go to a local lake called "Blindsee", a stunning green-blue space of tranquil bedded into the mountains of Tyrol. While the girls tanned the guys dared each other to jump off the cliffs. Only once did I jump too; cause it was scary, I did not now what to expect and by comparison to lying in the sun it was blimming dangerous as well. Although it was a thrill and resulted in a great feeling of overcoming my fears, I never jumped again.

Blindsee - http://wonderfulplanetphotography.zenfolio.com/img/s4/v65/p1194800474-3.jpg

Driving past this lake today to get to the airport I recalled several people at the last meditation gathering talking about 'jumping off cliffs' and 'taking leaps of faith'. Now is the time of finding the trust in oneself to take a chance, follow one's gut and let the mind take the back seat. Letting the heart take the lead can be a scary business for our mind, as we are trying to rationalise, as we are reminded of belief patterns and as we push societial norms.

Returning to my centre and tuning into what feels truthful to myself helps me to find peace and that tranquil my favourite lake uses. Nature helps me recharge and fill up my senses to have the courage to jump. Being back home in Tyrolean nature has further elevated and centred me. I have just listened to the podcast of Lee Harris (http://leeharrisenergy.blogspot.co.uk/) and he beautifully sums up the struggles we tend to encounter before taking a 'leap of faith', following one's inner guidance.

Becoming a teacher myself I am very aware of what entails a strong, empowering lead figure, such as Lee Harris. I profoundly disagree with putting a teacher, or leader on a pedestal, because it is disempowering to students. A good teacher cannot decide for you whether or not you ought to jump. Only you know what is in tune with your life. A person who truly leads lives by example, shares her struggles and remains touchable. A real teacher will refrain from explaining everything but leaves you to discover the feeling yourself once you have taken the step off the cliff; and more importantly she will accept if one decides not to jump.

However, I have taken the jump, I am enjoying the free fall, engulfed in a feeling of trust that the outcome will be just right in the end. In that knowledge I am more than ever accepting life as my real teacher and I am rendering control of the mind and let my gut take over the cockpit.

I will keep you posted and let you know once I reach the ground!

Much love,
Your Urban Yogi