project m.e.
Walking into a dark room, the first thing one would do is
look for the light switch and turn it on, right? Why then do we walk day by day
in darkness, without awareness, often merely functioning, fulfilling A role?
Deciding to put on the light can reveal a lot of dust,
cobwebs and even the odd ghost sitting forgotten in a corner, feeling ignored
and grumpy. Yes, it can even be scary to turn on the light because what if we
do not like what we see?
However, as we all know, once the light shines on things
they don’t look as bad as during the dark hours. As I raise my awareness, work
on myself, switch on the light so to speak, I am learning a lot about my dark
places. On my side I have great, unbelievable inspirational people that help
the process. In this instance I am referring to my counsellor who is on my side
while I find my way through this maze. She is great because she lets me do the
hard work! I see myself very lucky to have met this amazing person exactly at
the right time that is absolutely on my wavelength.
One major discovery in my session was that I am a typical
‘Rescuer’ believing – with a load of arrogance in tow – that I can help others,
be the Good Samaritan, and thus change the world for the better. It’s an
evolution of the ‘good girl’ role!
In this particular role it is important to focus as much as
one possibly can on others, not one self, as that is ‘selfish’ and would
interfere with the concept of giving one’s all, pour oneself into the wellbeing
of everyone but one self. Funnily this leads to frustration as the ‘Rescuer’ doesn’t
tend to receive much (it would be arbitrary as it weakens him as a rescuer). So
this person moves into the position of ‘Victim’ and eventually turns into a
‘Persecutor’... it’s called the “Victim Triangle” I found out. And most of us
are in some shape or form entangled in subconscious game playing like this.
How do we get out of this trap you might ask? First, accept
that you cannot, even with all the love in the world, do the deeds of others or
open their eyes for them, or carry their load. All one will achieve is that the
other person feels smaller, undermined and it is all about feeding one’s own ego.
Hence, I decided to embark on ‘project m.e.’ because I decided that the only
possible solution can be to trust in others to be able to find their own path
as I do with mine.
This left me with a light feeling but I could not imagine what
I would do with all that energy and time freed up not spent on trying to help
others. So I now have got time to attend my own needs, fears, desires, wishes,
dreams and begin to listen to my gut! This radar, we all have inbuilt – in fact
all of our body tells us constantly when something is off (headaches, tension,
pain, etc) – can guide us along the way and help avoid falling back into those
familiar, comfortable roles.
It is really tremendous that I tend to stumble across
articles that match the themes I am dealing with (KT Tunstall in an interview
said she only recently learnt to use her gut she uses constantly as an artist
to lead her decisions in all aspects of her life) or receive a phone call going
with my learning (my dad called up to say he decided he’s done all he could for
his children and that we are now grown up and can look after ourselves – how
true and how grateful I felt for that info as it set me free from the role of
‘good girl’ for my daddy!).
As I am sitting here on my own, with my own thoughts,
focused on myself I realise just how long I have not consciously spent time
focused on me, in spite of meditation and writing this blog. I tried to fix
something, get a message out, focus outwardly, not on my inner voice and just
be. So it’s my newfound hobby to learn to listen more, and carefully to myself and
make time to enable for those moments to happen. No distractions!
What does one might gain from this? Freedom. You reclaim the
freedom to be true to yourself. You can create your own rules, be your own
guide and walk your honest path. With that demeanour one can begin a real
exchange with others – a give and take, seeing eye to eye, and begin to stand
tall in love. For me it feels like the only sustainable way of being with each
other, empowering not only oneself but the other person too, seeing them and
oneself with kind, embracing eyes.
From this vantage point we can also create the life they
truly want, feel deep down inside we deserve. We are all creators, artists, out
of the box kind of people in those deepest of places. We were simply not given
enough options to live that side as in this society we suppress those instincts
in favour of a false uniformity and a false security. This stifling way of life
appears safe, sound and controllable.
Yet what it really does is to mute our essence, the
child-like spirit in us that wants to play, have fun, laugh and create. Through history the ones who broke the mould
did not adhere. The ones leading the path into new worlds and new ages were
seen as crazies... I sincerely wish to do my part by focusing on myself as a
creator, artist, Urban Yogi to live by example, live the change I’d love to see.
Will I fail and fall back into old patterns? Hell yeah! I am
human. Otherwise I’d already be sitting in a circle with the ascended masters
loving everything and everyone all the time. I’d already be in my purest form,
which is light, and I’d be shining brightly. But when I fall flat on my face
once more I will get up again and try once more.
Until I get to the point of ascension I dedicate my time
through ‘project m.e.’ to bringing light into my very own dark chambers and
begin to tidy them up.
Urban Yogi
