I'm NOT normal.

These days inspiration comes from the most unexpected places. I picked up a book for teens because I liked the cover (designed by my fav illustrator Oliver Jeffers) and thought it might be interesting for a boy I work with to read. 'The terrible thing that happened to Barnaby Brocket' turned out to be a right page turner. In a day I finished the book.


Anyway, the book is about a boy who is not considered 'normal' by his parents because he floats. The parents decided it is a terrible habit and that his selfish behaviour is appalling as all they ever wanted was to be 'normal'. Barnaby feels guilty for being who he is until his parents get rid of him, releasing him into a world of adventures on which he figures out that he is in fact pretty special and awesome. A sad, funny, insightful and magnificently told story everybody who felt 'NOT normal' at one point in their life!


Now, I never floated, no, but I can identify with Barnaby. All I ever wanted as a child is to fit in, be the same as everybody else. At one point I was convinced my parents were malicious aliens that change the building, that was acting as their secret headquarter, hastily back into our flat as soon as their surveillance cameras spotted me coming home from school. A little paranoid on my part, I admit, but the point is that I felt so alone, different, wrong, unwanted and frankly a burden to my family when I was young. I was different, I was sensitive and I was frequently misunderstood.


I am beginning to accept that I am different. This comes after years of desperately trying to be part of society. Especially during my teenage years, that had a fair share of ups and downs. I tried to be loud, I managed to be offensive, I embodied the role of a know-it-all, I drowned myself in sorrow and cut everybody off. I regret pushing some dear people out of my life for good.

In the end I decided to fight for myself, beginning with a family constellation workshop. The woman leading the workshop got through to me by telling me to 'Stop being a drama queen!'; Heide (http://www.starflinger.de/) was right. This statement opened my eyes. The onward journey was a bumpy one, full of self-loathing, bad relationships and me STILL feeling endlessly sorry for myself. That was until I began to unravel all the plays I put on, lay down the masks of pretence and stripped bare.


All in all it has been a 10 year road back to myself. I arrived in my heart in Mexico, at the workshop thanks to all the people, meditations and my guidance. When departing to Mexico my faint hope was that I might be able to let go of disliking my physical body so much and fully inhabit it for the first time in a long while. I cannot even grasp the magnitude of the changes that took place yet as I learnt so much more than to accept my body.

Don't get me wrong, I still fall back into old habits and beat myself up for things I do or say. However, I manage to sweep those thoughts away now. I love myself for not being normal. I actually enjoy my quirkiness and at last I have the guts to write about myself, feeling my viewpoints count too without needing to convince anybody else of my beliefs. The thing is that once the ATIH group of outstandingly open and strong people 'saw' me for who I truly am I realised that they liked me (despite my loud and in your face nature) and I could smile again. I was silly without self-censoring (too much), I was loud without being embarrassed by it, I could be around men without trying to appeal to them, I was sad, touched, happy and ecstatic - and it was all fine.


I am NOT normal, but I figured nobody else is neither. When I felt we are all ONE during a particularly special meditation we had on the 21/12/2012 I knew I am okay, and that everybody else is too - just the way they are.


Having bared my soul I now go out onto the busy streets of suburban London, brimming with bargain-hunters and christmas-gifts-returners. These days are novel cause I feel fine and supported by a meditation I do in the morning, which Catherine Shainberg (http://schoolofimages.com/) thought me and I would like to share at this point. It is quite simple really... once in meditation I see, sense and feel myself on a beautiful, rich meadow. I spot the sun and look at it. With permission I take rays of the sun and weave myself into a cocoon of light. It is simple but powerful and protective.

I feel on top of the world! :)

With a big smile,
Your Urban Yogi