On giving up food to live off prana

In the last post I made it quite clear I am fed up of feeling tired and miserable. Much of me not feeling well has to do with food and what my body seems to 'like' and 'dislike'. Garlic for example gives me the most hideous headaches, followed a couple days later by itchy pimpls around my jawline. YUCK! Refined sugar (I LOVE CHOCOLATE) results in fatigue and pair this with wheat and I am in 'La La Land', quite zoned out and not able to focus, usually leading to some stomach pain, feeling sickly and generally not doing great.

Now, I am not 'strong' enough to resist the temptation of 'nice' tasting food and every now and then I give into my urges to stuff my face. This is when I know what I am bargaining with and I have gotten over beating myself up for it - YEY! The times when it does bug me that I react to some foods in this way is when I have forgotten or not realised that there was such an ingredent in my meal. Take sushi for example; I ate 'healthyly' and completely blanked on the fact that soy sauce has wheat in it. It took a while for me to register that THAT was the reason for me feeling rubbish again.

One thing I have been doing is to 'STOP' for 1 minute before eating 'no-go-foods' and redirect my energy towards a desirable image I have of me doing what I love, floating in rays of colour and joy (sounds pretty hippy but feels amazing!). I struggled with this exercise though as it brought up all my anger I ever felt towards food, inept perceptions of my self and my body. 'Do not try this at home!' (or unsupervised) is my warning for this simple exercise as it is super powerful and I needed much assistance from Catherine Shainberg to deal with the anger that came up. I did a good job and am back on the 1 minute exercise as from today. See how 'Take 2' goes.

On the other hand I have been thinking about a friend from my Mexico journey who talked about living off prana and giving up food altogether. I am intrigued by the idea. I heard about the idea a while ago and thought I 'LOVE' food too much to not have food anymore as part of my daily life, leave it till I feel ready for it, thinking that day would NEVER come. However, I ordered a book called 'The Food of Gods' which arrived yesterday, talking about the preparation needed to get to living off divine nutrition and the pitfalls. Funny enough I also received an email from that friend the same day as I got the book, sharing his experience of going 'off' food and only occasionally drinking some water now. It is amazing. He is practising yoga, going for hikes and feels - after a period of no energy - absolutely fine now. It sounds liberating and just unbelievable.

Save to say I am nowhere near becoming a Breatharian (http://breatharian.info/) but I am slowly getting fed up hearing my body over and over again screaming at my food choices. Although it will scare my husband and probably freak out most of the people I know I consider embarking on the slow road to giving up food by starting to give up meat and visiting my friends raw food restaurant (http://www.facebook.com/Nama.Artisan.Raw.Foods?group_id=0) to see what that lifestyle is all about.

Who knows, 2013 might be the year I give up food all together and start living off pranic energy... but not just yet! ;)

With a bowl of greek yoghurt and oats in my belly,
Your Urban Yogi

...BUT I want it the easy way, and I want it right NOW!

This has been a hard week of struggles - with January fatigue, with tricky decisions, with headaches, with old patterns that I desperately want to resolve and missing my heart family; A LOT.

Apparently it is through struggle that we grow and change. Struggle seems to be essential in reaching a higher state of consciousness... BUT I want it the easy way! And more importantly I want it NOW. I am truly fed up feeling that I am bloated, tired, agitated and miserable. What the heck is going on? I hear from a dear heart friend she has been knocked out for the past couple weeks, people around me are sick and I had a stomach bug twice in a month.

'It is not fair' to borrow the line a boy I am working with said in tears because he did not get a merit (a silver star sticker!) for his work. I want a star sticker too! I want to simply KNOW what to do and not have to go through this 'struggle' business, PLEASE? Yes, I am moaning. No, I do not feel like an Urban Yogi after this week. The only time of the day I am feeling good is when I am sleeping and meet all the friendly people I miss in my life in my dreams. Aaaahhh... it is such a lovely feeling slowly waking up and still being in the half-awake state of being before the material world hits me.

It is my own fault though. I signed up for more Imagery sessions and those sessions really have it in them. It was an EASY exercise we were meant to do as homework last week. Stop and think 1 minute before you do XYZ (you decide what it is!)... then you do a quick imaging exercise to redirect the energy generated and use it productively. Damn it. That lil homework was a b*****. Even 'easy' was not 'easy' but had a real punch hidden inside. It triggered some rather old and dusty patterns I do not 'utilise' all that often but if I do it results in me feeling crap... It was time to take that punch - for growth and transformation and GLORY (which the tarot cards kind of said that I picked a minute ago!)

Luckily the long-term outcome according to the tarot is bliss. The immediate future not so much. The card tells me about a little more struggle but promises that it ends in triumph. So all I can do is to keep going I guess and hope for some more 'pleasant' learning experiences in later 2013.


Yawn and off to bed,
Your deflated Urban Yogi

 on a better day.

Sophie, the star princess... (or the other kind of beautiful)

Sophie
the star princess
(or the other kind of beautiful)

In a land where days were something unknown,
people lived during long lasting dark.
A king and his queen ruled the land guided by stars
which kindly lent their light and spark.

One glorious day baby Sophie arrived with a smile
but the royal couple had a terrible fright.
Their princess received in an unnervingly state,
brining gloom into the world of endless night.

The queen screamed ‘IT MUST BE A CURSE!’.
The king yelled ‘NO WAY COULD IT HAVE BEEN WORSE!’.
Sophie was covered in sparkling freckles, needless to say
they thought it was outrages and locked her away.

Feeling terribly sorry for having an ugly child,
the queen and king turned to ruling again.
Trying to quickly forget this horrible disaster,
as their daughter remained locked in the dragon Dimitri’s den.

No one was permitted to see the little girl,
turning her sad and filled with fear.
She spent her days bored and all alone
making her freckles one by one disappear.

Although this might have made the royals happy
they could not possibly have known.
Never did they visit their girl whose only companion
was a semi-bad dragon Dimitri serving the crown.

Although he told the princess the tales of the people,
he also plundered other kingdoms and set them on fire.
In the valley too, the lives of the people got worse,
as stars vanished and every night grew more dire.

More horrid news for the kingdom had come
because the stars had decided to leave.
‘This cannot be happening’ moaned the queen,
the king blamed the princess, good grief!

Dimitri reported the accusation to the girl,
who felt even worse than before.
How could she have brought along all this sadness?
She cried ‘What was this happening for?’

That moment under the heavy wooden door
squeezed in a few bright little lights.
Every one shone so fiercely and beautiful,
they were the stars fallen down from the skies.

They had come, they whispered, to help the girl,
make the parents finally understand,
that the birth of Sophie had not been a curse
but more a gift that the stars had sent!

Sophie had been the brightest star of all,
wishing to come down and visit all men.
Her freckles lit up as she remembered her wish,
and Dimitri knocked down the walls of the den.

‘You are the other kind of beautiful’ said the stars,
‘and the truth is that we all carry beauty’.
‘So it is upon us to decide what is fair!’,
so freckled Sophie realised her duty!

Dimitri rushed the princess off to the queen and the king.
To share her wisdom and the light she wanted to bring.
Sophie yelled ‘I CAN SHOW YOU HOW YOUR OWN LIGHT IS LIT!’
She said ‘Everything carries beauty, every last bit.’

Apologising to the star princess they fell to their knees,
recognising what they had done wrong.
Once they opened their eyes, listening with their heart,
they could not wait very long.

The star princess’ tale was spread across the lands,
bringing light to every adult, son and daughter.
Stars travelled back to the skies and the earth lit up,
then the nights were filled with laughter!

The End.

 

 

Fancy having a go at the 'Game of Life'?

Watching the 'Got to Dance' auditions last night while digesting my homemade crumble I LOVED the enthusiasm coming from the judges. Every time a dance crew or single performer came on and smashed their performance they were like children freaking out and having fun. Fooling around, getting on stage and being in the moment.

Yes, I know, it is a show, lots is staged and they get paid for it. But, they seemed to genuinely enjoy themselves and let loose. If it had only been this incident I would not have really started pondering over it and said nothing more than 'They got it right, they are doing what they love doing and getting paid for it'. In the spirit of 2013 thought I picked up a book buried in my draw and flicked over the index. I only read one chapter: The playful Universe. And that was enough, enough to get me mind spinning. In truth with the author Charles Eisenstein this book is actually available for free on the net http://www.panenthea.com/downloads/aoh_text.pdf !!!

Coming back to my personal light bulb moment about fooling around and being playful. Play, in our society is perceived to be situated in the domain of childhood and permitted only in small doses to counterbalance the real learning business. Toys these days need to aid the development of cognitive skills because playing just for the fun of it is not viewed as being 'productive'. For adults it is even worse and we don't get to play much at all. Yet Eisenstein raises some very interesting points regarding the importance of play that were spot on. On page 121 he lets us know why play is so valuable:

Play is not enslaved to a preset end, but allows the end to emerge spontaneously through the process

itself. Play does not require willpower to stay focused and overcome our natural desires; it is natural desire manifest. When we play, we are willing to try things without guarantee of their eventual usefulness or value; yet paradoxically, it is precisely when we let go of such motivations that we produce the things of greatest use.

What he reminded me off was that the game called 'Game of Life' was quiet a good resemblance of the game we are playing now. It is called 'Individualism' where only a few of us are able, like the judges I watched on the show 'Got to Dance', to have fun with what they are doing. The rest of us need to work, keep the economy going etc... and that is why we envy the stars - they got enough money to allow them to 'play' in their spare time. The rest of us are waiting for the dice to roll and see what 'life' has got in store for us. It is an odd game we are playing and we forgot that we are playing it!

This lesson comes to me at a time where I am contemplating whether to do my teacher training (as a  German & French teacher who would have thought) or to build up my portfolio as a self-employed ABA tutor. Or should I just chuck it all in and keep doodling, developing my children's books? The latter is the most desirable option. I am still stuck in a 3D world with my 3D thought, that is why I shall end this entry with much wiser words by Eisenstein and his chapter on the playful Universe:

 

Our present loss of all the characteristics of play—spontaneity, fearlessness, spirit of exploration, creativity, willingness to test limits, non-attachment to results—is itself part of a larger game of individuation. In the currentage, as the dance of separation becomes increasingly intolerable, as crises mount throughout the world, we are beginning to realise that the time has come to stop playing this game and begin another one. The game of “let’s pretend we are discrete, isolated beings in an objective universe” with all that it entails has served its purpose. But now it is time to play a new one.

Your playful Uran Yogi (middle)

 

'You got a third eye right here' I told an 8 year old today

'What the heck are you doing?' I hear a wee freaked out voice rationalising with me, trying to point out that in fact it is not the greatest idea to talk to an eight year old in the medical room of school about his third eye. Somehow I have got to agree, but it was too late, I had said it. We ended up in medical because this boy felt a migraine coming on. He is utterly aware of his body and had pointed out to mum in the morning he was feeling 'a bit white' when he got to school. Over the morning he was a star, which was handy as the school was being Ofsteded and I had my supervision too. It was only before lunch time that he got paler and paler rubbing his forehead.

My supervisor, who knows the boy's behaviour patterns pretty much inside out pointed this out to me and asked him why he thinks this migraine is coming on. He responded 'I've eaten chocolate yesterday'. It is mind boggling that an eight year old boy can tell me a list of things that he 'knows' (he has not been tested for this but just figured it out!) are bad for him and give him a headache. 'You know there is one new chocolate I can have, it has not got caffeine in it' he reveals. It is mad for me to think he has got such an awareness yet is classed as having 'special needs'. While he was covering himself with the blanket in the nurse's room we had a bit of a chat about where it hurts and if he was feeling any better. He then closed his eyes and I figured I could ask in silence permission to give him Reiki and I did.

A few minutes into the short treatment, me humming away, he quietly mumbled 'Thank You'. He still had a headache, but opened his eyes. For the last couple of days I was able to really see him and look far beyond his eyes that hold much more wisdom than one should at the age of 8. At this point it just bubbled out of me. I touched his forehead and shared 'You got a third eye right here... when I first began to use it my head hurt a lot too' (fellow AITH meditators can sympathise!). I continued by telling him that he did not even had to use his other eyes to see with it and with those words I closed my eyes to 'see'. It was at this point my mind screamed 'Are you flipping mad Sarah! This is an EIGHT year old and you are in SCHOOL, shut it!'

But as I opened my eyes he had closed his again. He already knew. He didn't ask me any questions. He did not protest or showed any signs of confusion.

'Autistic' children never cease to amaze me and push me to my personal limits. During lessons his favourite occupation is to predict the behaviour of his tutors, aiming to outwit us. It is true that he might not be terribly aware of social norms, but who needs to do that when you are living in your heart? ;)

Keep the learning coming left, right and centre!

With amazement & bemusement,
Your Urban Yogi

PS: if you fancy finding out more about your third eye: http://www.mysticbanana.com/pineal-gland-our-third-eye-the-biggest-cover-up-in-human-history.html

It's about what you do, not who you are - Thanks Thatcher!

Watching the film 'Iron Lady' was not intended for educational purposes but for light entertainment. It was on Sunday night at 9pm and I had not even intended to finish watching it. Meryl Streep's performance was outstanding thought and I somehow ended up liking Margaret Thatcher. While I am as far from a 'Tori' as I could possibly be (other than my husband lying next to me of course) and do not agree with what she's done to the education system nor can I identify with her believes, I have a new found admiration for her determination and convictions.

See, I do not like arguments anymore, most of the time I remain quite rather than speak my mind, yet I burst into heated arguments with loved ones (usually reserved for the ones nearest and dearest to me) and beat myself up afterwards for doing it. One line of the film stuck with me 'These days it is about who you are, not about what you do anymore - this is wrong' (paraphrased). What good is it trying to be a person living in the heart in theory, calling myself an Urban Yogi if my actions do not match? I realised my journey is not about the words I say necessarily but it needs to be about my actions. Putting myself out there and giving it my best shot. Margaret Thatcher thought it was her 'DUTY' to make a difference in the lives of people. She asked herself what good is a life if you do not make it count.

Indeed she was right. I reckon her heart was in the right place, but when we take actions led by our egos and logic we will not find the best solution for all but always only for the few. However, what Maggie did was to stand up and try to make a difference. I do not feel I want to be as loud and hard as she was but I nonetheless am inspired to follow my convictions. Thus 2013 I plan to DO and hold my heart open, imagining a world where we care for each other, take care of the planet and do what is best for all of us.

Ready to dream and do 'important things' in the morning,
Your Urban Yogi

Exercise and Me, a love-hate relationship

I accept 2013 appears to be a massive learning year for me. Once you begin to slow down and notice things around you there are plenty of opportunities to observe and learn from rather than to respond to. Yesterday I literally sat back and listened to a fantastically beautiful, natural, caring and clever woman telling me that despite her looking A star she can still find flaws with herself. 'It is about toning up' she tells me, because she knows she is not fat in the slightest and she just desires to feel happier with herself.

It was a slap in the face for me. The urge to respond and tell her she is perfect the way she is simmered inside of me - and yes, I did chip in a little and said she didn't have to lose any inches AT ALL. Instead of trying to argue and get the message through to her I decided to accept that I pretty much know this talk. I do it to myself fairly frequently and as the end of my 'time out' from bootcamp approaches it dawns on me how quickly I tend to get sucked into this way of thinking. 'I just want to tone up a bit', yet if I tone up a bit there are still those Giselle Buendchen's and Miranda Kerr's out there who are FLAWLESS (at least in my media distorted view of a perfect female body) and remind me that unless I get a new body I will NEVER look like them.

Does that mean I will NEVER look perfect? Perhaps I will never look like them, but that is not what exercising and eating well ought to be about. When I start finding the flaws on my body and wanting to 'correct' them all I do is not accepting what is. As long as I am running (or burpeeing or planking) after an illusion how can I EVER feel happy? Why can't I feel happy now and do the exercise for fun? The aim I set myself for 2013 is to do the exercise because I enjoy the feel of getting sweaty, being outdoors and having a banter with the group! Luckily Chris Hipsey(http://www.planbfitnesscamps.com/) is quite moderate in his thinking for a personal trainer and fun too, yet there is somewhat a pressure for him to show results. The best result is though that we are smiling and laughing and joking around as well as getting fit.

I am fed up listening to others and myself freaking out over eating cheese or indeed arch enemy No 1 of a superslim physique - chocolate. I get it, it is not great for my body when I eat it. But actually it is much much much worse for me to beat myself up over having some every now and then (and a lot of it if I am having a stressful time - I know now that when I do stuff my face with chocolate that I am in desperate need for down time and it is a way my body tells me to slow down and fast!).

With that thought I begin my '19-day-drop' exercise regime, leaving out the mega-strict food plan that makes me paranoid of eating, trying to ENJOY the 19 days of exercising hard without dropping weight but having fun with it!

Ready for burpees, press up's and renegate rows,
Your Urban Yogi

by Phil Clegg

Go on, lose your head!

As a follow up to the last blog, and a little bit delayed due to my workload, the answer to my killer headache: 'Lose your head' was the message I got from different messengers. First I got the message on the day of the headache but it seemed to blimming obvious for me to take it on board. When I was not certain a friend from our trip, Tiffany, sent us a message about her revelation during her second trip to Pelenque. The Mayans played a game where the winners lost their heads after succeeding. Maybe in later stages of their civilisation this might have become literal and was about humans sacrificing themselves. Yet the feeling that a few people of our group independently shared was that really this was about losing the ego, about not needing your head anymore and ascend.

Losing your head is generally not seen as something desirable. By definition of the English Club (http://www.englishclub.com/ref/esl/Idioms/L/lose_your_head_318.htm) it is about getting angry and losing your temper. The type of losing your head I am referring to, as was Tiffany, is the kind that I tried to get my husband to understand yesterday. Much like the ancient Egyptians the Mayans and many native tribal people believe that it is about living in the heart. Being in your heart means being connected - to your instincts (or call it higher selves), to your community, to everyone and everything. Being in the head, as much of Western society is, is about feeding the ego. This way we managed to destroy our planet, exploit the land and people in order for some to gain a lot and many to be left with too little to survive. Hence, losing your head is about once again becoming connected.

To give an example, my husband had a potential work opportunity come unexpectedly into his life that deviates from the shape or form of work he initially imagined. Now I am so glad and grateful that life/the universe provides him with the opportunity to look inside and figure out if this feels right to him. I sensed opportunity to develop his skills away from big, impersonal companies but work for people that value his work, value him. Yet rather than feeling this connection with the universe that is looking out for him and being grateful for it, he is slightly worried of the unknown. Instead of seeing that him leading his life true to himself brings opportunity his mind kicks in. What about the money, what will this mean, how can it work.

I get it, from a mind's perspective we want to plan, understand every detail of the deal, forecast what it will mean and how it fits in with a future career - will I be successful living in a decent house and provide for my family? One will never know for sure. We think we are secure if we go about this logically, if we have a grand master plan and make a thought through 'wise' decision. The wisest decisions however are not made from the head. Lose your head! The head is in duality and wants to control because we live in fear. The fear of not having enough money, of not leading a happy, successful life, etc. What the message I got conveys is to go inside, dream about it and sense where this opportunity might take you. Do you love it? Are you exhilarated by what this type of opportunity could do to your life? Does the environment, the life you could create this way feels right to you? Even if the answer is no, it is not right for me, it is fine because it is truthful. And if it is right to you, stop worrying about money, go for it, because you do it out of love and passion, you will succeed! It is not what you do, it is why you do it!

If we could come to feel that we are guided in our lives, that there is abundance out there and if we lose the restrictions of our minds, the mechanical worldview, but see us as organic part of our world we might actually stand a chance to be happy. I say this because I need to hear it myself, not to you out there, not to my husband, not to my parents, but to my ego. Together we create this world and it is time for a new way, a way from the heart.

Your HEADLESS Urban Yogi

No pain, no gain?

Quite like the majority of the population I do not enjoy pain. Yesterday I was knocked out by a massive headache that built up over the 3 hours I pushed a not very ergonomic wheelchair along a muddy path by the river, up several hills, all around Kew Gardens and back home again (which is usually a REALLY lovely walk). By the time I had returned the rather heavy teenage boy home I could not think straight anymore and struggled not to scream in pain while wiping the filthy wheels of his chair clean. Ordinarily this would be a time I'd take a painkiller or two to numb this horrid experience.

This time I made different choice though - and feel free to call me a nutter at this point, because I kind of felt like one at this point and very likely you will think so later on through this entry! According to a conviction I have pain is our body communicating with us. In the past I never really took the time or had the dedication to figure out what the message is my body wants to convey. I work in often challenging environments and the last thing I want to do is freak out because I am in agony and I actually do not have the time to meditate over my pain during work. So when I get home the pain is forgotten thanks to Nurofen, Paracetamol or occasionally even a dose of Codein.

On the second day of 2013 with the commitment of writing this blog and learning more about myself I followed through with my belief that this excruciating, stinging headache is good for something, while almost passing out in the toilet. To clarify why I am doing this I have to talk about Mexico again. During my time there I did have an epiphany after spending a night vomitting and the next day having diarrhoea. Weird, I know, and I do not want to go into this not very pretty experience in detail but I honestly got something out of it once I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I know in our society we are not great in dealing with 'bad' things like pain, suffering and death. We do not have time for it because we need to function and get on with our fast paced lives. Yet I made the commitment to ditch old belief and behaviour patterns and follow through on the Urban Yogi path.

When thinking about this entry I recalled statements people made about nature not beeing beautiful as it is full of dicease and cruelty. Another conversation occured over Christmas regarding a young lad almost dying of a viral infection of the heart and how horrible this was. On top of that I just stumbled across a story of a woman who had been raped and disfigured by a group of men and left to die subsequently, which made me question the entry to this blog. There is no way that this is not touching me and making me feel sick, no. Yet I still believe there is gain in pain.

But I feel I need to explain where I come from furhter. Before embarking on my journey I saw a video of a woman (http://www.tiffanytatum.com) speaking about experiencing the 'void' during a meditation. This feeling of nothingness is vaguely familiar to  me. At a point in my early twenties I felt completely and utterly disengaged with life. Somehow I did not want to feel anything, I made myself not feel anything mainly because I was desperate to avoid bigger pain. There was a turning point, I had to decide to either fight and stay or leave this life as continuing on like a living dead was not an option. When Tiffany spoke about her experience of the void it made perfect sense to me what she said next. She finally undestood and knew that we all are coming to earth to experience life. It is about ALL kind of experiences, regardless of what they are.

Now this is not easy to accept as surely none of us would consciously opt to go through hell on earth, yet some people do go through it and only our higher selves know why. I am glad that so far in this lifetime I did not have to go through worse pain, but I do not have to. I can (thanks to many prvious lifetimes I recollect) sense the horrors of other people and that I was desperate to get away from. I am aware that this concept is a bit 'out there' and I do not expect many to agree, but coming back to the point I was trying to make - the painful headache I had yesterday was good for something.

I am still waiting to figure out what the message of the headach might be. Drawing on Catherine Shainberg, I spent time instead of blogging that evening, sensing inside my body seeing and feeling what the pain looks like and what its neccessity was that needed fulfilling. I saw a great, purple knot beneath my right shoulder blade and it blocked all the energy flow. I did not quite get what I blocked and I can almost hear people say the headache was just down to the dodgy wheelchair, let it go Sarah!

Yet I remain curious about this headache and decided to ask for an answer in my dreams tonight (the use of dreaming as a way of the subconscious to connect with us is a whole other wicked topic that people can disagree on with me). And right when I made that plan on my walk home, still feeling an ache under my right shoulder blade (from carrying my heavy bag my mind reminded me :)) I recollected that I had dreamt about all sorts of purple things last night: purple and gold eye shadow, purple dresses, my purple fingernails and even purple boots. Although I refrain from talking more about that dream in case I do get a revelation tonight I surely shall share it in this space! ;)

Much love and sweet dreams,
Your Urban Yogi

hanjanran.blogspot.com

Respect the mosquito and it will not bite you!

Living as husband and wife is great, not always in a positive way but greatly challenging and a great deal frustrating too. I am a hand full to be with and I am aware of it... hence my pursuit of 'Living in the Heart'.  On New Years Eve my husband reminded me in a rather odd and annoying way that I am still only a baby Urban Yogi.

You know, we don't fight much, yet over the last year my husband developed a talent of driving me nuts. I mean he somehow manages to do the 'wrong things' (hard to put my finger on what those things are as pretty much anything can trigger me, even him entering a room!) at times when I do not handle them all too well and freak out. Give me a hair-pulling teenager with additional needs at a hair appointment and I remain calm; have a drunk looking for a fight I avoid it; even when a co-worker moans I feel compassion as I do my fair share of complaining at work. However, my husband knows how to push my buttons like nobody else! One of those episodes of me 'loosing it' took place last night, end of 2012 when he 'misbehaved' - or as he would sees it I overreacted.

 

I admit the things I see red over are petty and NOT worth the hassle. In order to retain some credibility as an Urban Yogi in my husbands' eyes I have got to sort my impulsive (over)reactions out. I have a bit of a stab in the dark here as I am not entirely sure I want to look into that mirror he offers me so brilliantly (and frequently!). If it is true that in the darkest caves we fear the most our biggest treasures are hidden this one must be a pretty special bounty I will find eventually. A friend of mine was right to say that I cannot hope for my husband to change as he might never will. All I can do is embrace this learning lesson and give it my best shot.

 

So I spend the afternoon ruminating over this issue, determined to loose this habit of mine in 2013. I had to think of Pedro Pablo, a Mayan elder, who shared his simple, but spot-on words with us during our journey to Mexico. On one occasion we were asked to observe nature and nature spoke to me in the form of mosquito bites and a jellyfish sting. Without judging the situation as 'good' or 'bad' he quite simply said that I do not respect the mosquitoes. If I did they would not bite me, as none of the scorpions, the snakes or indeed mosquitoes bother the Mayans in their less than fancy accommodation. The learning is to respect the mosquito and it won't bite!

 

Now, I needed a good deal of honesty and some time meditating in my heart. The thing I feel I loathe the most is my husband's logical approach to life. The black and white justifications and conclusions that are often right (oh, he will love to hear this if he ever decides to make time and read my blog!), but I associate his ways with my time in business school. It was during this time that I decided to ignore my gut feelings, disassociate from my body even more than previously and delve into a harsh world of reiterating (trivial) facts, pretence strenght and insular thinking.

 

A convenient truth with linear solutions to problems was on offer but after spending about three years conforming I felt that there was more to life than that. I knew they did not tell us everything because they did not know everything that was out there. However, what I did not realise until today and thank to Pedro Pablo's metaphor was that I loathe this male dominated, logical way of life as it took it's tole on me. It shaped the way I perceived myself and my creative talents, how I ought to live my life and what success entailed. 

 

Until I learn to accept that I also had good times at business school, met lovely people and I learnt a lot about the business world, until I respect the 'male' way of life this hatred will come and bite me in my backside time and again. It is not about making my husband view the world differently or fight a battle mind vs heart. It is about finding unconditional love for all aspects of oneself. Only with a respectful and accepting attitude will I stand a chance to continue with this blog, be credible and FINALLY not being nasty to my loving, caring and kind husband anymore but love him for who he is.

 

With one more Eureka moment under my belt I wish you an enlightened 2013!

Your Urban Yogi