Respect the mosquito and it will not bite you!

Living as husband and wife is great, not always in a positive way but greatly challenging and a great deal frustrating too. I am a hand full to be with and I am aware of it... hence my pursuit of 'Living in the Heart'.  On New Years Eve my husband reminded me in a rather odd and annoying way that I am still only a baby Urban Yogi.

You know, we don't fight much, yet over the last year my husband developed a talent of driving me nuts. I mean he somehow manages to do the 'wrong things' (hard to put my finger on what those things are as pretty much anything can trigger me, even him entering a room!) at times when I do not handle them all too well and freak out. Give me a hair-pulling teenager with additional needs at a hair appointment and I remain calm; have a drunk looking for a fight I avoid it; even when a co-worker moans I feel compassion as I do my fair share of complaining at work. However, my husband knows how to push my buttons like nobody else! One of those episodes of me 'loosing it' took place last night, end of 2012 when he 'misbehaved' - or as he would sees it I overreacted.

 

I admit the things I see red over are petty and NOT worth the hassle. In order to retain some credibility as an Urban Yogi in my husbands' eyes I have got to sort my impulsive (over)reactions out. I have a bit of a stab in the dark here as I am not entirely sure I want to look into that mirror he offers me so brilliantly (and frequently!). If it is true that in the darkest caves we fear the most our biggest treasures are hidden this one must be a pretty special bounty I will find eventually. A friend of mine was right to say that I cannot hope for my husband to change as he might never will. All I can do is embrace this learning lesson and give it my best shot.

 

So I spend the afternoon ruminating over this issue, determined to loose this habit of mine in 2013. I had to think of Pedro Pablo, a Mayan elder, who shared his simple, but spot-on words with us during our journey to Mexico. On one occasion we were asked to observe nature and nature spoke to me in the form of mosquito bites and a jellyfish sting. Without judging the situation as 'good' or 'bad' he quite simply said that I do not respect the mosquitoes. If I did they would not bite me, as none of the scorpions, the snakes or indeed mosquitoes bother the Mayans in their less than fancy accommodation. The learning is to respect the mosquito and it won't bite!

 

Now, I needed a good deal of honesty and some time meditating in my heart. The thing I feel I loathe the most is my husband's logical approach to life. The black and white justifications and conclusions that are often right (oh, he will love to hear this if he ever decides to make time and read my blog!), but I associate his ways with my time in business school. It was during this time that I decided to ignore my gut feelings, disassociate from my body even more than previously and delve into a harsh world of reiterating (trivial) facts, pretence strenght and insular thinking.

 

A convenient truth with linear solutions to problems was on offer but after spending about three years conforming I felt that there was more to life than that. I knew they did not tell us everything because they did not know everything that was out there. However, what I did not realise until today and thank to Pedro Pablo's metaphor was that I loathe this male dominated, logical way of life as it took it's tole on me. It shaped the way I perceived myself and my creative talents, how I ought to live my life and what success entailed. 

 

Until I learn to accept that I also had good times at business school, met lovely people and I learnt a lot about the business world, until I respect the 'male' way of life this hatred will come and bite me in my backside time and again. It is not about making my husband view the world differently or fight a battle mind vs heart. It is about finding unconditional love for all aspects of oneself. Only with a respectful and accepting attitude will I stand a chance to continue with this blog, be credible and FINALLY not being nasty to my loving, caring and kind husband anymore but love him for who he is.

 

With one more Eureka moment under my belt I wish you an enlightened 2013!

Your Urban Yogi