No pain, no gain?

Quite like the majority of the population I do not enjoy pain. Yesterday I was knocked out by a massive headache that built up over the 3 hours I pushed a not very ergonomic wheelchair along a muddy path by the river, up several hills, all around Kew Gardens and back home again (which is usually a REALLY lovely walk). By the time I had returned the rather heavy teenage boy home I could not think straight anymore and struggled not to scream in pain while wiping the filthy wheels of his chair clean. Ordinarily this would be a time I'd take a painkiller or two to numb this horrid experience.

This time I made different choice though - and feel free to call me a nutter at this point, because I kind of felt like one at this point and very likely you will think so later on through this entry! According to a conviction I have pain is our body communicating with us. In the past I never really took the time or had the dedication to figure out what the message is my body wants to convey. I work in often challenging environments and the last thing I want to do is freak out because I am in agony and I actually do not have the time to meditate over my pain during work. So when I get home the pain is forgotten thanks to Nurofen, Paracetamol or occasionally even a dose of Codein.

On the second day of 2013 with the commitment of writing this blog and learning more about myself I followed through with my belief that this excruciating, stinging headache is good for something, while almost passing out in the toilet. To clarify why I am doing this I have to talk about Mexico again. During my time there I did have an epiphany after spending a night vomitting and the next day having diarrhoea. Weird, I know, and I do not want to go into this not very pretty experience in detail but I honestly got something out of it once I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I know in our society we are not great in dealing with 'bad' things like pain, suffering and death. We do not have time for it because we need to function and get on with our fast paced lives. Yet I made the commitment to ditch old belief and behaviour patterns and follow through on the Urban Yogi path.

When thinking about this entry I recalled statements people made about nature not beeing beautiful as it is full of dicease and cruelty. Another conversation occured over Christmas regarding a young lad almost dying of a viral infection of the heart and how horrible this was. On top of that I just stumbled across a story of a woman who had been raped and disfigured by a group of men and left to die subsequently, which made me question the entry to this blog. There is no way that this is not touching me and making me feel sick, no. Yet I still believe there is gain in pain.

But I feel I need to explain where I come from furhter. Before embarking on my journey I saw a video of a woman (http://www.tiffanytatum.com) speaking about experiencing the 'void' during a meditation. This feeling of nothingness is vaguely familiar to  me. At a point in my early twenties I felt completely and utterly disengaged with life. Somehow I did not want to feel anything, I made myself not feel anything mainly because I was desperate to avoid bigger pain. There was a turning point, I had to decide to either fight and stay or leave this life as continuing on like a living dead was not an option. When Tiffany spoke about her experience of the void it made perfect sense to me what she said next. She finally undestood and knew that we all are coming to earth to experience life. It is about ALL kind of experiences, regardless of what they are.

Now this is not easy to accept as surely none of us would consciously opt to go through hell on earth, yet some people do go through it and only our higher selves know why. I am glad that so far in this lifetime I did not have to go through worse pain, but I do not have to. I can (thanks to many prvious lifetimes I recollect) sense the horrors of other people and that I was desperate to get away from. I am aware that this concept is a bit 'out there' and I do not expect many to agree, but coming back to the point I was trying to make - the painful headache I had yesterday was good for something.

I am still waiting to figure out what the message of the headach might be. Drawing on Catherine Shainberg, I spent time instead of blogging that evening, sensing inside my body seeing and feeling what the pain looks like and what its neccessity was that needed fulfilling. I saw a great, purple knot beneath my right shoulder blade and it blocked all the energy flow. I did not quite get what I blocked and I can almost hear people say the headache was just down to the dodgy wheelchair, let it go Sarah!

Yet I remain curious about this headache and decided to ask for an answer in my dreams tonight (the use of dreaming as a way of the subconscious to connect with us is a whole other wicked topic that people can disagree on with me). And right when I made that plan on my walk home, still feeling an ache under my right shoulder blade (from carrying my heavy bag my mind reminded me :)) I recollected that I had dreamt about all sorts of purple things last night: purple and gold eye shadow, purple dresses, my purple fingernails and even purple boots. Although I refrain from talking more about that dream in case I do get a revelation tonight I surely shall share it in this space! ;)

Much love and sweet dreams,
Your Urban Yogi

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